The Two Biggest Dating Traps
How to know if you’re in a trap and how to get yourself out.
There are two main traps when it comes to dating: dating to avoid being alone and seeking external validation.
Likely we’re all guilty of falling into one or both of this categories during our dating lives. If we want to find our match though, it’s most useful to make sure we’re truly open to a partner.
TRAP #1: DATING TO AVOID BEING ALONE
We know a partner can’t fix us, but conveniently forget when we’ve had one too many nights alone wishing for SOMEONE. But if we go into dating with the idea that we need someone, that can get us into trouble.
Are we dating to avoid being alone? This is the slippery slope to compromise. Compromise is typically sold as something good. However, if the compromise is your value, turn back. NOW.
Searching for someone out of scarcity means you are more likely to hold on to a minimal viable partner instead of a partner who is a true match.
Based on most media portrayals of modern dating, compromise is the death trap in which many of us fall. Watch a few episodes of ‘Sex & the City’ and tell me that ‘how can I change for you’ so that I’m not alone is not the underlying premise of most episodes? Of course this is a fictionalized series, but how many of us look to media to make sense of our own lives?
But really think about how dark it is to change for someone else’s approval? Literally everyone loses like Oprah in hell. You lose. HE LOSES. SHE LOSES. Whoever you are with loses. Once that clicked, it has been the biggest eye opener.
This premise that we’re better off with a partner, even one that’s not right is pervasive and deeply flawed.
Being alone is not the enemy. Staying with the wrong person is.
Compromising who we are just to stay in a relationship is cheating everyone. Your partner deserves someone who truly loves them and you deserve someone who does too.
TRAP #2: DATING FOR EXTERNAL VALIDATION
Seeking external validation is deriving our worth off based on who we date.
Worth is self-defined and comes from within. No one can take it away without our permission. Worth doesn’t come from how we look or who approves of us. The more we ask ourselves what makes me happy, and follow our own guide, the more we’re going to find a partner that is equally secure with themselves and able to accept you for your own humanity as well.
This inner work is hard, so is it any surprise that we try and take shortcuts? It can feel easier to try to date someone we see as successful so we don’t have to do it ourselves or to bury ourselves in someone else’s dreams and goals so we don’t have to find our own.
If we’re dating to boost our ego, then we want people to like us just for our own vanity.
We go out to see who we can ‘catch.’ This can be fun for a while, and perhaps you’ll tell your kids one day about that time you dated X, but it will likely not lead to an authentic connection, if that’s what you are seeking.
If you are subconsciously searching for a partner to externally validate you, until you heal yourself, it will never quite be enough. If you don’t believe you are enough already, why would someone else’s words fix it? And perhaps more importantly, if you can’t accept your own humanity, how do you expect to accept someone else’s?
In other words, you must have the ability to fill your own tank before you can take on anyone else in any real capacity. Are you hoping to have a genuine connection or just a placeholder to shield yourself from judgement?
If it’s not a match, it is not a reflection on anyone’s value.
Whenever it wasn’t a match, I would either devalue myself or the other person. I would suffer in silence or try to change someone or just generally cause trouble instead of moving on!
Why was anyone’s value on the line? It’s just not the right match — that’s literally it.
Have you ever been on vacation with someone who’s not your match? Is there anything more tragic than feeling lonely when your with the person who is supposed to love you or at least enjoy your presence? THIS GOT DARK. HOWEVER, I STAND BY MY WORDS.
If someone doesn’t jive with you, it’s not personal. When you don’t match with someone else, it’s not personal. It’s just not a match. It is not a reflection of anyone’s worth.
If I don’t like oranges, that doesn’t make oranges trash.
Ego man. Always fucking with everything.
THE GOOD NEWS
I’ve learned that if a relationship is real, you aren’t going to be sitting around wondering if the object of your affection likes you.
If it’s real, you aren’t going to be putting on an act.
If it’s real you don’t have to live your life in fear that your relationship is a fragile glass, always on the verge of destruction.
If it’s real both of you will be authentically yourselves and you’ll find that time spent together is deeply satisfying.
So, if someone is toying with you, CUT THE STRINGS AND GO.
I firmly believe that this is out there for everyone, but you have one very crucial thing to do — NEVER COMPROMISE.
I don’t have to and neither do you.